WASHINGTON(AP)-- Thousands of aging, bitter Caucasians might have one less thing to live for. Former House of Representatives Majority Leader and Tea Party architect Richard "Dick" Armey revealed today that the Tea Party Movement was just an elaborate April Fool's joke.
"I can't believe so many people fell for it," Armey laughs. "It's been really hard to keep a straight face for this long."
The Tea Party movement seemingly began around February 2009 with calls from conservative commentators for fiscal responsibility from the Obama administration. As the story goes, this in turn organically surged into a populist uprising of hard working, real Americans who were tired of being oppressed by a tyrannical-socialist system. In reality, it was an orchestrated effort years in the making by groups such as Americans For Prosperity, FreedomWorks, Fox News, and the Palin Family Jamboree to get filthier rich by riling up "poor, dumb people."
"Populist uprising? Are you kidding me?," quips a humorously incredulous Sarah Palin. "I require at least $100,000 per speaking engagement, and that's not even my A-list material. For that kind of money I'm likely to just get on stage and fart."
The plan was born from the realization that one day George W. Bush would no longer be President, and though that prank had been both long running and very profitable, the backlash was likely going to put Democrats in power. By forming a number of PACs, the architects of the Tea Party movement were able to amass the wealth necessary to fund an artificial grassroots movement while remaining obscure enough that only the most tenacious Wikipedia browser might find them. Their only problem was that they did not yet have a sure fire way to "spook the cattle" into stampeding for their amusement and gain. Then, inspiration struck in the form of Barack Hussein Obama.
"Obama's appearance as a Democratic front runner was like mana from heaven for us on the inside of this prank," says David H. Koch founder of Americans For Prosperity and New York's 2nd richest inhabitant. "An intelligent, handsome Black man running for President is just about the scariest thing you can think of for most Conservative Americans." After chuckling, Koch added, "We knew this thing was going to be a fucking gold mine."
Indeed it seems the Tea Party movement has been an economic boon in a slumped economy for many who have fueled its flame. One example comes from the PAC Our Country Deserves Better (OCDB) who are behind The Tea Party Express. OCBD gave $857,122 of roughly $1.33 million in contributor funding to Russo, Marsh, and Associates, the conservative consulting firm who created OCDB.
"What do racism and conservative PACs have in common?," OCDB chairman Howard Kaloogian jokes, a barely concealed grin dawning on his face. "Just thinly veil both and you'll make a mint!"
No single business entity has made more money from the fomented masses than Fox News. On a list of the top 30 most watched news shows, Fox's The O'Reilly Factor, Glenn Beck, and Hannity each draw 3.644, 2.781, and 2.635 million viewers respectively. These record ratings translate into a very nice sum of money, even despite many sponsors pulling out of shows such as Beck's.
"I was never really worried about it," Beck reflects while lightly stroking his second chin. "As soon as I called Barack Obama a racist on national TV, I knew I was set for life."
When asked if he was worried about the potential retribution from the thousands of Tea Party protesters when they discover that their hard work was nothing more than a cruel joke designed to distract them while he and others got rich Beck responded, "C'mon, these are hard working, real Americans we're talking about. They should be used to frivolously toiling to make the wealthy wealthier by now."
He added, "Besides, Dick Armey only admitted that the Tea Party movement was a prank in print. If we here at Fox News don't report that he said anything, how will any of those illiterate saps know the difference? We've created a monster... all the way to the bank."