Wednesday, January 20, 2010

He’s the kind of guy whose truck you could have a beer with

Did you guys know that if you have a blog you can give lots of people your unsolicited opinions about politics? It’s true! Well, I guess if it’s my blog it’s only a handful of people but maybe if someone searches for a way to play Zork online they’ll end up here by mistake.

A lot of people are talking about Scott Brown’s senate race victory. Leftists are melodramatically bemoaning the death of health care reform while gnashing their teeth, beating their chests, and probably not getting that biblical reference because they’re all godless heathens. Republicans on the other hand are breaking out the cocaine rimmed martini glasses and wondering if a celebratory blow job from their favorite male page isn’t in order. Most people are probably just snuffing out a few brain cells watching Jersey Shore. Regardless, the level of shock from both the left and the right over these results is flabbergasting. This shock seems to be coming in two flavors: blind presumption and cynical agenda strengthening. Let’s try and be honest; even though Massachusetts is Bluer than Smurf soup and the seat up for grabs was Ted Kennedy’s, by election night the walls were absolutely covered in script.

Martha Coakley is a moderate Democrat whose performance as MA Attorney General was passable at best. She is also the moron who most famously couldn't tell the difference between a bomb and a Mooninite Lite Brite. She has the charisma of the worst player on a high school chess team, and her awkwardness came off as disdain. The Democratic party did almost nothing to back her until the very last second, displaying an arrogance and lack of touch that they've worked tirelessly to make the hallmarks of their public image, second only to the efforts of Fox News.

Brown is a "moderate" Republican whose performance as a MA state senator didn't make too many old people angry. He is gushing with down home, folksy charisma that is oh so chic thanks to Palin et al. Let's not forget he's also "silver fox/once nude in Cosmo sexy," and he owns a truck! The Republican party rallied behind him, he got his very own Tea Party from the cranky white people who like Glenn Beck so much, his wife is a local news anchor, and one of his daughters is a terrible enough singer to make it to the semis on American Idol... dude had EXPOSURE. And not even the exposure he should have had for being a homophobic, sexist tool. And he owns a truck!

When you strip back the candidates themselves you get into the sullied business of party loyalties and "deeper" meanings. Republicans are unswerving and lock step when it comes to voting, whether it's in a booth or Congress. They are as good at sticking together as they are at hypocritically playing the victim card and making bad decisions for the nation just to score points. Democrats on the other hand are more likely to do what they think is best and are gullible enough to continue believing in bipartisanship despite the current political climate. So when 22% of Democrats voted for Brown versus 1% of Republicans who voted for Coakley I can barely find the energy to sarcastically feign shock.

Beyond that, this election was framed by the media as another referendum on Obama and his policies. I swear, no man has ever had to run in so many elections in so little a time. Coakley basically became a symbol for "So what do you think about national health care?," which MA citizens could care fuck all less about from a benefits point of view but care a whole lot about it when it comes to taxes. Whereas Brown became a symbol for "Are you unsatisfied with what Obama has done to our economy/society?," an ironic framing considering that Brown stands for the same economic conservatism that killed the economy in the first place and the social conservatism that makes America a hostile place for anyone outside the country club set. It will truly be a glorious day when people's brains evolve enough to contain memories of failed policy. Also, did you see his truck?

In the end the result is so obvious, it is down right silly that this election is being portrayed as an upset. Republicans always vote down party lines, Democrats don't, and Independents are generally so simple minded and impressionable that they simply imprint on the first candidate they see when they open their eyes. From one angle this is a good thing. This is a high alert bulletin for Democrats, especially progressive Democrats. It's time for you to stop pandering to the lowest common denominator, clearly differentiate yourself from your opponents, take a firm stand, and ovary and sack the FUCK up. Otherwise, the change you can believe in will be of the same type seen in this election, but instead of Massachusetts it'll be the White House.

Don't be surprised when everyone begins muttering about Brown/Palin 2012.

Oh, and to the citizens of Massachusetts, you have all been swayed into voting for someone because he owns a truck. Congratulations, you're as dumb as the rest of us now. Pray it goes no further than this.

na na na na na na, MA Senator is a Centerfold


  1. Great as always love. I can't even feign sympathy for the Democratic Party anymore. It's like they're not even trying and don't take the recent rise of extreme conservatism/racism/anti-poor thought seriously.

  2. Not to downplay the yes-ness of this post (OMG YES dude, totally what you just said), but is that last line supposed to be sung to the Katamari Damacy theme? It is now.