Priorities

You know the drill, click it to read it.

What's this? Character development? Plot devices? It's almost like I'm going somewhere with this. Also, there are 3 deftly hidden inconsistencies (i.e. mistakes) in this comic. Can you spot all 3? If you can then you'll get an extra special prize from the Text-Based Advent store! How much do you think it costs to mail nothing?

Tune in tomorrow for either another 2 weeks of me not posting anything or a preview of the hottest new choose your own adventure novel: Rip Bicepson: Journey to Swolle Mountain by my favorite Fitness Personality, Chet McSteadfast. I'm guessing the former.

A real conversation I had tonight

This is a real conversation I had tonight. I am textbasedadvent and T-Steady is kirijini. (Edited for hilarity... to me... shut up, this is free.)

[GHTS] kirijini: yo. I am up for games. and gaming. and gamaraderie.
[GHTS] textbasedadvent: gamaraderie... wow, I really like that word
[GHTS] kirijini: vodka = inspiration
[GHTS] textbasedadvent: Ernest Hemmingway's most well known quote
[GHTS] kirijini: really? I coulda swore it had something to do with sharks.
[GHTS] kirijini: or wait - maybe it was "don't electrocute me"
[GHTS] textbasedadvent: well the whole quote goes, "vodka = inspiration... but don't try to fuck a shark"
[GHTS] kirijini: that makes me want to start a distillery with a line of vodka called... shark vodka.
[GHTS] kirijini: or, fucking sharks.
[GHTS] kirijini: Fucking Sharks Vodka.
[GHTS] textbasedadvent: I think one might lead to the other
[GHTS] textbasedadvent: but both ways
[GHTS] textbasedadvent: like the shark might go if you're lucky
[GHTS] kirijini: have you ever looked at a shark and thought "not enough ass"?
[GHTS] kirijini: hemingway did. because he's a real man. and a drunk.
[GHTS] textbasedadvent: Yes, but as a real man, Hemmingway went for it anyway.
[GHTS] textbasedadvent: Then he wrote Old Man and The Sea.
[GHTS] textbasedadvent: The secret to understanding that novella is knowing the fish was a metaphor for his dick.
[GHTS] textbasedadvent: And the sharks eating the fish was a metaphor for his sexual realtionship with sharks.

Here's another part of that conversation:

[GHTS] kirijini: birds don't have tails, so why is it (the backside of a quarter) called tails?
[GHTS] textbasedadvent: Actually, I know this.
[GHTS] kirijini: uh-oh
[GHTS] textbasedadvent: Back when the quarter was first invented, Ben Franklin suggested that the National Cat, the Tanzanian Puma, be put on the back of the fledgling coin.
[GHTS] textbasedadvent: But this, like most of Franklin's suggestions, was ignored. Firstly because there is no such animal.
[GHTS] textbasedadvent: Secondly, because Franklin did enough snuff to make Keith Richards go blind.
[GHTS] kirijini: my bullshitometer is going berserk
[GHTS] textbasedadvent: You doubt that Franklin did more drugs than Keith Richards?
[GHTS] kirijini: yes.
[GHTS] textbasedadvent: Surely Richards had access to greater variety, but in pure amounts Franklin reigns supreme.
[GHTS] kirijini: ben franklin invented bifocals. keith richards was in the rolling stones.
[GHTS] textbasedadvent: Do you know how much pussy inventers got back then?
[GHTS] kirijini: did you know that ben franklin wore a suit made out of beavers when he was ambassador to france?
[GHTS] textbasedadvent: It was to show just how much beaver he was inside of during his time over there.
[GHTS] textbasedadvent: He added a new pelt with each time he had a new lady.
[GHTS] kirijini: i got the terrible mental image of him "scalping" his ladies' nether parts.
[GHTS] textbasedadvent: Got to the point the man couldn't walk down the street without tripping.

I only watch the Super Bowl for the sermons

Click to be able to read! Also, read the higher text balloon first (ie the Engineer's text, ie the guy with the yellow helmet for the uninitiated).

Let me just say right now that I support Pam Tebow’s brave choice to give birth to Tim Tebow despite the incredible risks posed by placental abruption if for no other reason than it was HER choice. That’s the all too ignored other side of the coin of being Pro Choice, that it’s about women having the final say in what happens to their bodies during pregnancy (and in general really) even if it means facing peril. Can we all please be honest for a second? It isn’t a matter of being Pro Abortion; no one is Pro Abortion... except for maybe those who are creepily concerned with overpopulation. What I don’t support is Focus on the Family exploiting a rare success story in order to persuade women into potentially endangering their lives. It would be despicable to parade a woman in front of a camera who made the decision to save her own life at the cost of her child’s just as it would be in poor taste to capitalize on a story of a woman who chose to keep a baby despite the risk and both her and the child died. Instead all we hear is the victorious story of the survivors, causing people’s vulnerability to selection bias to be laid bare. That just doesn’t sit right with me.

It also doesn’t sit right that my comic is somewhat extolling the virtues of Bud Light. Let me assure one and all, I wouldn’t use Bud Light to fill my aquarium for fear that even the fish would find it too watered down (and I don't even own an aquarium). I like to think that the Demoman is drinking Sierra Nevada Bigfoot in this comic (as was I whilst making it).

In comic related news, my good buddy T-Steady sent me this twist ending to my last comic. The real question is, “How did he predict that’s where I was going to take this story?” Three months of planning gone! Oh well, back to the drawing board. Here is his 4th panel to my last comic:





Also, here are some outtakes from the making of this comic. I think I speak for everyone who drinks recreationally that these pictures represent a feeling we’ve all experienced.

Bad Bromance

Click the comic to be able to read it!

Tonight I'm adding comics to my repertoire. This one stars the Scout and the Pyro from Team Fortress 2 and was made using Gary's Mod. Depending on how people react (specifically Valve's legal representation) there will likely be more of these comics on the horizon. Some people might think it would be simpler just to draw a comic than to haphazardly position rag dolls in odd positions. These people would also be mistaking me for someone with talent.

Speaking of someone who is commonly mistaken for being talented, how about that Lady Gaga? As I've reported earlier, I've heard Lady Gaga's new album "Original Pastiche" and her new hit single "Eyeroller" are getting great reviews. I'll be interested to watch her career arc, especially since there's never been a blonde pop star who sings songs about love and relationships before. I'm sorry, but when I look at Lady Gaga all I can think is that she is the result of a night of drunken revelry between GG Allin and the Disney Channel.

He’s the kind of guy whose truck you could have a beer with

Did you guys know that if you have a blog you can give lots of people your unsolicited opinions about politics? It’s true! Well, I guess if it’s my blog it’s only a handful of people but maybe if someone searches for a way to play Zork online they’ll end up here by mistake.

A lot of people are talking about Scott Brown’s senate race victory. Leftists are melodramatically bemoaning the death of health care reform while gnashing their teeth, beating their chests, and probably not getting that biblical reference because they’re all godless heathens. Republicans on the other hand are breaking out the cocaine rimmed martini glasses and wondering if a celebratory blow job from their favorite male page isn’t in order. Most people are probably just snuffing out a few brain cells watching Jersey Shore. Regardless, the level of shock from both the left and the right over these results is flabbergasting. This shock seems to be coming in two flavors: blind presumption and cynical agenda strengthening. Let’s try and be honest; even though Massachusetts is Bluer than Smurf soup and the seat up for grabs was Ted Kennedy’s, by election night the walls were absolutely covered in script.

Martha Coakley is a moderate Democrat whose performance as MA Attorney General was passable at best. She is also the moron who most famously couldn't tell the difference between a bomb and a Mooninite Lite Brite. She has the charisma of the worst player on a high school chess team, and her awkwardness came off as disdain. The Democratic party did almost nothing to back her until the very last second, displaying an arrogance and lack of touch that they've worked tirelessly to make the hallmarks of their public image, second only to the efforts of Fox News.

Brown is a "moderate" Republican whose performance as a MA state senator didn't make too many old people angry. He is gushing with down home, folksy charisma that is oh so chic thanks to Palin et al. Let's not forget he's also "silver fox/once nude in Cosmo sexy," and he owns a truck! The Republican party rallied behind him, he got his very own Tea Party from the cranky white people who like Glenn Beck so much, his wife is a local news anchor, and one of his daughters is a terrible enough singer to make it to the semis on American Idol... dude had EXPOSURE. And not even the exposure he should have had for being a homophobic, sexist tool. And he owns a truck!

When you strip back the candidates themselves you get into the sullied business of party loyalties and "deeper" meanings. Republicans are unswerving and lock step when it comes to voting, whether it's in a booth or Congress. They are as good at sticking together as they are at hypocritically playing the victim card and making bad decisions for the nation just to score points. Democrats on the other hand are more likely to do what they think is best and are gullible enough to continue believing in bipartisanship despite the current political climate. So when 22% of Democrats voted for Brown versus 1% of Republicans who voted for Coakley I can barely find the energy to sarcastically feign shock.

Beyond that, this election was framed by the media as another referendum on Obama and his policies. I swear, no man has ever had to run in so many elections in so little a time. Coakley basically became a symbol for "So what do you think about national health care?," which MA citizens could care fuck all less about from a benefits point of view but care a whole lot about it when it comes to taxes. Whereas Brown became a symbol for "Are you unsatisfied with what Obama has done to our economy/society?," an ironic framing considering that Brown stands for the same economic conservatism that killed the economy in the first place and the social conservatism that makes America a hostile place for anyone outside the country club set. It will truly be a glorious day when people's brains evolve enough to contain memories of failed policy. Also, did you see his truck?

In the end the result is so obvious, it is down right silly that this election is being portrayed as an upset. Republicans always vote down party lines, Democrats don't, and Independents are generally so simple minded and impressionable that they simply imprint on the first candidate they see when they open their eyes. From one angle this is a good thing. This is a high alert bulletin for Democrats, especially progressive Democrats. It's time for you to stop pandering to the lowest common denominator, clearly differentiate yourself from your opponents, take a firm stand, and ovary and sack the FUCK up. Otherwise, the change you can believe in will be of the same type seen in this election, but instead of Massachusetts it'll be the White House.

Don't be surprised when everyone begins muttering about Brown/Palin 2012.

Oh, and to the citizens of Massachusetts, you have all been swayed into voting for someone because he owns a truck. Congratulations, you're as dumb as the rest of us now. Pray it goes no further than this.

na na na na na na, MA Senator is a Centerfold

Live blog of my impressions from Avatar in IMAX 3D... posted 16 or so hours later. SPOILER CODE RED!

This is my live blog of the movie Avatar. I'm here to see it in IMAX 3D in order to fully give this movie a chance (a home court advantage if you will) and I'm live blogging to address the mythos this movie has created around itself as "revolutionary." Also to annoy the people around me.

10:30 pm: 5 minutes before start of Avatar and I've already heard my first racial slur. This movie is going to be awesome! ;D

(Next day note: The person who uttered it sat behind us and was commenting on how upscale the snack bar was as he said, "They even have fresh baked kikes!" This was followed by some awkward stuttering then finally, "I mean they have fresh baked cakes and pies." The slip was accidental, yet hilariously Freudian. Sean's and my muffled laughter displayed how we are at the height of maturity.)

10:38: Disappointed by Alice and Wonderland trailer. Only 2 3d gags? Tim Burton, you owe us more than that.

10:40: IMAX has convinced me to think big

10:43: protagonist's name is sunshine

(Next Day Note: His name is actually Jake Sully, but fuck that, his name is Sunshine.)

10:46: Movie claims that the economy is still bad, Obama to blame?

10:50: see first naked blue cat person, not aroused. James Cameron has failed me.
Sunshine is doing science

10:52: holy shit! The 3d subtitles seem so real!

10:54: we're here for "unobtainium"

(Next day note: Idea for DVD extended edition: After uttering the word "unobtainium," the whole room bursts into uncontrollable laughter. Wiping tears from their eyes, someone says, "What? We already harvest all the "space oil"?)

11:00. Inspirational avatar scene about running reminds me to work out tomorrow

11:01: hey it's the sassy lady from resident evil
colonial scar turtle is sufficiently stereotypical

11:05 I recognize helicopter things from Terminator. Same continuity?

11:08 plants are pretty

11:12: action sequence is so blurry I think I need glasses for my 3d glasses
how did sunshine know that was flammable?

11:17: blue cat lady kills space hyenas, now I'm aroused.

11:22: glowing jelly fish seeds eat sunshine, movie continues anyway
haha sunshine fell, hilarious!
Only took 45 minutes for Native American style whoops, movie shows admirable restraint

11:28: training time! Cue montage and eye of the tiger

11:30. Notice all the racist words wormy business guy is using? That's how you know he's an evil capitalist.

(Next day note: Seriously, this guy all but pulls out a "Free Trade, Malevolence, & You" phrase book and just goes wild. He stops just short of mentioning Manifest Destiny, but the viewer gets the idea. He would be hate worthy if he weren't such an obvious strawman).

11:36: lulz super altruistic scientists and flux vortex
hey movie, final fantasy wants its mountains back

11:43: prediction: sunshine will no longer see this as tree hugger crap, will use failed leaf falling technique to save hot blue lady

11:54: sunshine tames kite dragon, level up

11:56: oh no! Feral hot rod kite dragon!

11:58: prediction: sunshine will ride hot rod kite dragon, Sean predicts the planet will hit an iceburg

12:00 am: colonial scar turtle keeps empty promise for dastardly double agent deeds, threatens world tree, seems really disappointed that he can't shoot it from here

12:05: predictable, obligatory love scene leaves me super aroused

Breakfast metaphorically linked to man's expansionist evil?

12:09: Scene where video is scaled up, enhanced at 1.5 hr in, movie shows incredible restraint!

12:12: damn you evil col. scar turtle

12:14: if only the Native Americans had religious beliefs that were scientifically verifiable as opposed to simply "paganistic savagery", wait still doesn't matter to wormy business guy

12:18: tying knots around traitors wrists is a big deal to the navi

12:22: Cynacism doesn't save me from hating the military during falling action

12:29: the end... Wait no

(Next Day Note: In the Rawson Marshall Thurber Director's cut version, the movie ends with all the fiery death and destruction, Sully's name is still, well, sullied, and Colonial Scar Turtle is victorious.)

12:30: security taking a nap, mutiny goes unpunished sometimes?

(Next Day Note: Why is the person who deliberately left the field claiming, "Screw it, I didn't sign up for this" not only allowed to walk around apparently repercussion free but given a chance to get near the prisoners who are her friends and whose point of view she obviously agrees with?)

Scar turtle a terrible shot... Wait

Segourny Weaver is incredibly understanding of alien life forms considering her past experiences.

12:35: sunshine is going to, unironically, take it to the next level! attacks hot rod kite dragon, called it

12:38: huge displays of ultra man hood always make everything ok

(Next Day Note: especially duplicity that leads to one's father's death and the forced exodus of an entire people)

12:43: sad nature matrix fail... Or is it?

12:44: but they cannot take our freeedooom!

12:51: scar turtle death march

1:02: Aiewa HAS heard you, and has responded at the dramatically appropriate time!

(Next Day Note: You know, after enough of your friends have died.)

1:06: over the top awesome is happening detail later

(Next Day Note: Running along giant bombers chucking grenades into their engine intakes, hammer head rhinos, kite dragons, and giant peacock panthers killing many people and robots, and Col. Scar Turtle jumping from an exploding sky turtle/dreadnought in a robot suit. Destruction porn at it's finest! Eat your heart out Michael Bay. Also, Sunshine does use the leaf falling technique to save himself from falling to his death, so I only half called that one).

1:08: why does the giant robot need a knife?

And that's where my log ends. Spoiler alert: good guys win, white guilt fantasy fully realized, James Cameron is shown to be revolutionary when it comes to hyping a movie. Now I'm not saying the movie is bad or good at least not yet. A fuller review must be left for a soon to come update.

I'm all over this like White on a Tea Party protest!

I received an (faux) urgent call from my friend Jeff at 10am today. He wanted my opinion as to whether something he had said was racist. It's my belief that phone calls of this nature only occur between Novo Collegians and Alumni. Anyway, Jeff told me the story as follows. He was with his lab advisor when she asked him to go do science to something that desperately needed science done to it. He firmly stated that he was "on it like white on rice." She then (in my mind) gasped and told Jeff that this phrase is racist. Jeff was caught off guard. He disagreed since he had never heard this before but his advisor stuck to her claim. He went on about his business but was still confused by the seemingly non-sequitur social critique of his idiom.

You see, no one wants to be even remotely considered racist, least of all White people. In fact, I think that in the generally clear field of effective racial slurs against Caucasians the only real stand out epithet is "racist." Call a white person a honky, they'll just laugh and think of geese and the foi grois they'll have for dinner later. Call them a racist on the other hand and be prepared for a spit parade of indignation and the names of all their minority friends. Sweeping generalizations are fun aren't they?

Back to the story, this is where Jeff decides it's a good idea to call me, Captain Aryan, to see if I possessed knowledge of this phrase's possible racist connotation. I told him I had no recollection of the phrase "being on, or sticking to something like white on rice" being racially charged in any way. We discussed possible ways the phrase could be utilized to serve a dark and inflammatory purpose but we both came up blank. We thought that the key might lie in the phrase's origin. Maybe "being/ sticking on something like white on rice" was originally used by plantation owners who referred to particularly attractive female house slaves in code as "rice" so as to make secret bawdy jokes in public? I don't know, White people are always up to crazy, secretive, backwards shit. We both had to get back to work, but I told him I'd look into it when I got the chance. I conferred with the internet for about an hour on the history of the phrase in question and really didn't find that much.

It seems no one knows where it's from. I figure that if its origin were steeped in racial controversy or if there was a closer racial connotation it would be easier to find more information on the phrase. For example, the phrase "to call a spade a spade" is thought by many to be a racial slur since spade can be used as a derogatory term for a Black person and I was able to find a bunch of info on its etymology. Other interpretations of the phrase interpret the spade in question as the playing card suit, a shovel, or even a eunuch (a spayed person). Truth be told, the phrase actually came from a Greek play by Menander, which contains the line, "I call a fig a fig, and a spade a spade" where "spade" means something along the lines of bowl or trough or boat. None of those things are Black people. Again, I'm pretty sure that the reason the phrase "to call a spade a spade" has more info on its origin than "stick to something like white on rice" is that the former phrase has a much clearer racial connotation in the current vernacular. Granted, it could be that history is mostly written by upper class, educated White people and therefore the real secret and dastardly meaning has been covered up, but I feel that conspiracy theory is so contrived and banal that we would need Robert Langdon to investigate it.

To play Devil's Advocate: As with meaning in general, a phrase's racial connotations can change over time. As in the case with "to call a spade a spade," it's origin becomes somewhat irrelevant as society as a whole begins to view the phrase in light of "spade's" 20th century racist connotation. If for some reason the ancient Greek word for bowl or trough or boat happened to be "nigger" then clearly we wouldn't use the phrase "to call a nigger a nigger" since the term is now part of a particularly vile heritage and imbued with about as much disgusting hate as 6 letters can contain. Zeitgeist is a bitch huh?

Here's the thing though, the phrase " being on/ sticking to something like white on rice" is not associated popularly with any sort of racial connotation. The only thing it's got going for it in this vein is that "white" is a term for Caucasians, but it's clear that the phrase purely refers to the color since it doesn't say, "a white on rice" and that the popular societal conception for the color of rice is that it is white. Yes, there are other colors of rice and perhaps there is underlying racism in that society views all rice as white and can't see the veritable rainbow of browns and blacks that rice can come in. But, seriously? Anyone trying to glean negative racial connotations from this phrase using that rationale is is just silly and trying too hard. Saying that "sticking to something like white on rice" is racist due to it's lack of rice-color-spectrum-inclusiveness or any other reason I can think of is like saying the phrase is racist because it includes the word "rice," which invokes an Asian racial stereotype. It seems that in order to interpret the phrase as racist, you would have to twist the connotation of the words within the phrase outside of their meanings or purpose within the phrase. The only way for this phrase to become a racist phrase is for people to continue needlessly attaching such negative meaning to it.

Besides, it seems that the phrase was popularized by Ike Turner in the Ike & Tina song Baby Get It On. Personally I'd say that since Ike Turner said the phrase, it's much more sexist the racist anyway.

On a final note, Jeff has decided to say "being on something like a white on rice" from now on and I fully endorse this course of action. If the phrase is going to be interpreted as racist, best to turn it on a group that has the least slurs against them. It's like Affirmative Action for racism. Besides, I'm white and I personally love rice of all colors.

Sources:

http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/like_white_on_rice

http://www.phrases.org.uk/bulletin_board/27/messages/299.html

http://www.phrases.org.uk/bulletin_board/27/messages/297.html

http://www.randomhouse.com/wotd/index.pperl?date=19970115

http://www.phrases.org.uk/bulletin_board/8/messages/1361.html

http://www.phrases.org.uk/bulletin_board/22/messages/199.html

PS: I promise to start blogging again! We all pretty much know this is a lie!